From Lithe & Limber Ballet Dancer to...Immobile

La, la, la, la, la…what a beautiful day it was last Tuesday. The sun was shining, and as I busily straightened the house, I thought: ‘How wonderful it is to be living in one of the most beautiful places on earth, and also, to still have all of my own teeth.’

I reached down to pick up a bottle of fabric cleaner off the rug, when CRACK – a shooting pain coursed through my body, rendering me in a ballet pose that looked much more graceful than it felt. One arm behind me in midair, the other towards the ground. My right leg raised up, with toes pointed to the ceiling.

I tipped over to rest my body, twisted, on the couch, and screamed. I hadn’t felt this kind of agony since the birthing of my progeny.

Several doses of muscle relaxer and pain killers later, (and, if I could have made my way over to the kitchen, vast quantities of hard liquor), I’m now back on my feet. My back still hurts, but at least I can move. What’s worse is a blistering 3rd degree burn on my back from the plastic heating pad (which lost its cloth cover when my urination attempts into a makeshift bedpan failed miserably (now I really DO need that fabric cleaner, and also, it’s a shame that we have to throw away a perfectly good cereal bowl.)

But, I can’t complain. People are bringing me things like chocolate and magazines, and I’m particularly enjoying the dates my friend, Lumpy, (who, in her infinite wisdom, guessed that I could probably use the fiber), brought me, along with her two cheery princesses.

But do you think I got any sympathy from my loved ones during my dark hours?

Son (on phone to telemarketer): My mommy broke her back. Now she can’t make me chocolate milk.

Daughter: Does this mean we can’t go on our vacation now? I’m going to go play on the computer.

Prince Charming, the Husband (who is forgiven, for he was the one who issued forth the blessed narcotics): I’m just going to cancel the whole trip (with a look of chagrin.) We probably can’t go now.

Parents (who are also forgiven because they took time out from their busy, post-retirement party schedule, to help out with the cold-hearted kids): You didn’t bend with your knees. Didn’t we teach you how to bend down properly?

Friend Lisa (who is forgiven, always, because she is perpetually entertaining in her mirth): Why on earth were you CLEANING?!

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