Weighty Issues of the Day

Once, when I was at a three-year-old birthday party with my son, I sat down on a plastic kiddy chair and the legs collapsed under me. There I was, sitting on the floor, with four lime-green chair leg stubs poking out from under my rear. That should have been my wake-up call. It wasn’t. I stood up, grateful that no one had noticed, and righted the chair, which thankfully sprung back into its pre-flattened state. Two minutes later, the cake was served and I was third in line (the birthday girl and her speedy, sugar-addicted brother got there first.)

That was five years ago. Now, I’m so chubby that my fingers are almost too fat to type this. Sdee whaty hasppens whjen I typ[ - mny finghers arew sop fatg thjey ofgten hitr trwo keyts at a ftimwe. Quite frankly, this is getting in the way of my lucrative writing career. Also, it’s hard to focus on getting work done when you’re dreaming about the next meal. I’m so perpetually hungry, I can eat a whole chicken practically any time of the day.

And here’s the ironic part. I now have no clothes to wear, so I can’t go to the store to shop for chicken. Even my socks are too tight. Soon, it will be time to buy a new bathing suit. Obviously, I’ll have to order it online. The last time I went bathing suit shopping, my scream of horror was so loud, it scared everyone out of the store. If I was prone to steal, I could have taken all the bathing suits there, but even just one that would fit me would take up nearly all my trunk space – I’d have to plan in advance and rent a U-haul. The same goes for bras. I need one of those, too, because very soon, my breasts will resume their rightful place about an inch above my kneecaps. But I’m worried that I’ll have to be carried out in a stretcher if I try to shop for one of those.

One of my friends recently posted a surreptitiously-taken photo of me and my 16.5 chins on her Facebook page. I’ve realized that if I’m going to be hanging around sneaky people like that and also, if I want to look in a mirror ever again without feeling queasy, I’ve got to do something. I have to find a hobby more exciting than eating, if that’s possible.

But first, it’s time for breakfast.

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